TENSION OF THE OPPOSITES

Have you ever experienced wanting to do something yet another thing holds you back. It's like craving to eat lasagna but your diet forbids you to. Stuck in the middle, that's exactly how I feel right now.

Something's bothering, it's my heart. Not the one that pumps blood all over our system but the one we use figuratively.

Okay, there's this guy that I've known since my senior year in college. We used to text a lot, and hang-out sometime... and he wanted to be my bf.

I do like him, BIG TIME. But because I'm insane, I dumped him.
Not that I intentionally wanted him to go away, I just thought that we should not rush things up and wait until my graduation. Our communication stopped (or rather paused).

A month ago, I received a message on facebook.
It's him.
He asked for my number (again).

I did expect him to text immediately, but to my disappointment he did not...
Last week I received an sms saying, "hi".
I had no one in mind who would that person be and to my surprise it was him.

We met at SM Megamall just so we can catch up.

As I have observed, nothing much change in him.
He just grew his hair and gain some muscles but he's still the musikero, komikero and bolero guy that I knew.

When it comes to him it's as if I'm not myself.
I admit that I'm clumsy and weird (around my friends) but when he's around I become all the more.

So where's the tension?

Did I mention that I like him? Oh yes I did. Forgive me, it's just that I really like him. Yet, I've always been pushing him away though all I wanted is that for him to be by my side. I feel like I'm not the type of person whom he'll be serious with. I don't want to be attached with him for I know that I'll be hurt, one way or another. I don't trust myself in situations like this so I tend to build walls.

It's been a few days since we met yet I haven't received a single text message from him. At first I assumed that he just don't have a load but thinking deeper it came to my understanding that he'll never message me again. Until I received a text from him saying, "wag ka na nga magtext". And so I did not reply.

He'd done this before, left me hanging.
I'm so stupid to let him to it again.
I'm so dumb to fall for him again.

I've seen this coming but I can still feel pain.
It sucks.
There were times that I shed some tears, even that I'm still at the office.
I can't help it. It hurts.

But those tears won't change anything.
Though somehow it reduces the agony.

There's nothing left to do but to gather myself back and move forward for the world will not stop rotating and revolving just because of him. I made it through without him for almost 20 years, so I can make it through the coming years.