TENSION OF THE OPPOSITES

Have you ever experienced wanting to do something yet another thing holds you back. It's like craving to eat lasagna but your diet forbids you to. Stuck in the middle, that's exactly how I feel right now.

Something's bothering, it's my heart. Not the one that pumps blood all over our system but the one we use figuratively.

Okay, there's this guy that I've known since my senior year in college. We used to text a lot, and hang-out sometime... and he wanted to be my bf.

I do like him, BIG TIME. But because I'm insane, I dumped him.
Not that I intentionally wanted him to go away, I just thought that we should not rush things up and wait until my graduation. Our communication stopped (or rather paused).

A month ago, I received a message on facebook.
It's him.
He asked for my number (again).

I did expect him to text immediately, but to my disappointment he did not...
Last week I received an sms saying, "hi".
I had no one in mind who would that person be and to my surprise it was him.

We met at SM Megamall just so we can catch up.

As I have observed, nothing much change in him.
He just grew his hair and gain some muscles but he's still the musikero, komikero and bolero guy that I knew.

When it comes to him it's as if I'm not myself.
I admit that I'm clumsy and weird (around my friends) but when he's around I become all the more.

So where's the tension?

Did I mention that I like him? Oh yes I did. Forgive me, it's just that I really like him. Yet, I've always been pushing him away though all I wanted is that for him to be by my side. I feel like I'm not the type of person whom he'll be serious with. I don't want to be attached with him for I know that I'll be hurt, one way or another. I don't trust myself in situations like this so I tend to build walls.

It's been a few days since we met yet I haven't received a single text message from him. At first I assumed that he just don't have a load but thinking deeper it came to my understanding that he'll never message me again. Until I received a text from him saying, "wag ka na nga magtext". And so I did not reply.

He'd done this before, left me hanging.
I'm so stupid to let him to it again.
I'm so dumb to fall for him again.

I've seen this coming but I can still feel pain.
It sucks.
There were times that I shed some tears, even that I'm still at the office.
I can't help it. It hurts.

But those tears won't change anything.
Though somehow it reduces the agony.

There's nothing left to do but to gather myself back and move forward for the world will not stop rotating and revolving just because of him. I made it through without him for almost 20 years, so I can make it through the coming years.

Here I go Again

Weakness ko talaga ang mga musikero at komikero.
Ewan ko ba, iba ang dating sakin kapag ang lalaki magaling humawak ng instrumento at ibang klase ang sense of humor. Mahilig din kasi ako sa musika kahit na walang hilig ang musika sakin. Okay din naman ang sense of humor ko (para sakin).

Meron kasi akong ka-MU (malaswang ugnayan) nung college.
Siya si Krio. Musikero at komikero.

Kung di ko pa naku-kwento sa inyo, nakilala ako ni Krio sa nameplate ko.
Hindi yung nameplate tulad ng sa elementary at high school, yung pang-college naman.
Nakakasabay n'ya ko sa jeep tapos hinanap nya ko sa Facebook at in-accept ko at dun na nagsimula ang landian namin.

5 years ang tanda nya sakin, sa PUP din sya nag-aral.

Ewan ko ba kung normal na sakin ang mabilis na magtiwala sa mga tao.
Hinayaan ko lang s'ya na mapenetrate ako. Nagpapasok ako ng bagong tao sa buhay ko.

I don't know if what I had for him is Love.
O purong landian lang.
Parang kami, pero hindi.
Nagdedemand sa isa't isa pero walang commitment.

Kabaliwan.

Kaya naisip kong itigil na ang laro.

Nag-away kami, gusto n'ya na kasing seryosohin.
Ayoko pa.
Nagalit s'ya.
Nainis ako.

Nag-break kami.
By that, I mean we cut our communications.

Binura ko digits n'ya.
Kahit kabisado ko.
In-unfriend ko siya sa Facebook.
Pero nag-send din ako uli ng friend request.
In-accept naman n'ya.

Tae. Ang gulo ko lang di ba?

Last month, may pinost s'ya na link.
Napansin ko sa newsfeeds eh.
Natripan ko, ni-like ko.

After a while nag-message sya sakin.
Nangangamusta.
Nanghingi ng number.
Nagtanong kung may boyfriend na ko.

Nararamdaman ko na bumabalik na naman kami sa dati.
Ganun na naman ang set-up.

Hinayaan ko lang. Kasi baka assuming lang ako.
Na talagang gusto lang n'ya makipagkaibigan uli.

Lumipas ang mga araw wala paring Krio na nagtext sakin.
Inisip ko na nakalimutan na nya kaya kakalimutan ko nalang din na nagbigay ako ng number sa kanya.
But at the back of my mind, I really want him to send me a message.
Kahit, "Hello, si krio to. Save mo number ko ah. Bye.".
Pero wala.

Last Friday may nag-text sakin, "hi."
And to my surprise it was him.

FINALLY!

He texted me and asked if we could meet...

Ayoko magpakaimpokrita kaya aaminin kong natuwa talaga ako.
Though I'm not really sure if that's him, nakita ko lang yung pangalan n'ya nagtiwala na agad ako.

Ewan ko ba, ang tanga ko lang di ba?

Pero ginabi ako kasi kailangan kong mag-ot.
So, nalate ako.

I texted him.
Pero nainis lang ako kasi may nareceive akong message na "manloloko ka pala!"

Sinabihan na naman n'ya kong manloloko.
Hindi ko naman din s'ya masisi kasi niloko ko nga s'ya dati...
In a way, pinaasa ko s'ya, nilandi.

Ang dami kong text sa kanya pero hindi s'ya nagrereply.

Sobrang inis ko nun, gusto ko ng umiyak.
Buti nalang ka-text ko si shin kundi baka humihikbi na ko habang naglalakad sa megamall.

Later that night nag-text na naman s'ya.
Sabi n'ya delayed daw lahat ng messages ko.
So, ako ang may kasalanan?!

Inisip ko na baka nga nagsasabi s'ya ng totoo.
Ayoko rin naman maging OA so I acted cool.

Itinulog ko nalang ang gutom at pagod.

Ngayon magka-text ulit kami.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit paulit ulit ko s'yang pinapatawad,
Marahil kasi paulit ulit s'yang nagkakamali.
Ewan ko rin kung bakit lagi ko rin s'yang pinagkakatiwalaan,
kahit wala na minsan sa lugar.

Alam ko naman na hindi ako mauubusan ng lalaki pero bakit pagdating sa kanya natatakot ako na baka mawala s'ya.

Sadyang tanga lang siguro ako...


Paunawa:
Walang halong katotohanan ang akdang ito.
Maniwala tanga.